It’s funny, I grew up in a strict southern Baptist home and when I say strict I mean we couldn’t listen to rock music til I was in the 4th grade strict.  Although I did know other families that were even more strict than us if that’s possible.  …so we went to church every time the church doors were open – Sunday morning, Sunday night, Wednesday night and anytime in between or for any other events we could.  It was great. I learned a lot, interacted with other kids, made friends…and all that.  I will say though my understanding of my God is a little different today than it was back then.  I knew he loved me, knew he was good, but I didn’t really have an understanding of how things worked.  I mean you pray, you are ‘good’ and things will work out right?!

I lost my way somewhere along the lines, more so when I was getting older and trying to fit in, find my place in this world.  I didn’t have a lot of direction besides go to school, go to college, then get a job and follow the set path.  Besides that, I didn’t have a real sense of purpose and my self worth wasn’t so hot either.  And then behind closed doors, or out of my parents sight I was partying and drinking and all that, which made me feel shame and bad about myself.  It just kind of compounded the feelings unworthiness and that I wasn’t enough.

Fast forward a few years to having a child that was born sick with a genetic defect, a fluke spontaneous mutation like lightning striking, who passed away 3 months after his 1 year birthday and then your world is really thrown upside down.  After going through any kind of tragedy you question life, you question God, your existence, you pretty much question your whole being and what are you doing here on this planet.  The hurt and the pain you’re left with is unbearable.  Somehow, someway you are able to put one foot in front of the other.

My son was and still is in my every waking moment, all day throughout the day and it’s been over 14 years.  It’s not as fresh and raw as it once was, and most of the times I’m able to talk about him, speak his name with no problem but there are those moments, many times completely out of nowhere when that pain and rawness comes rushing back at you and the tears flow like rain.  You never know when it will hit whether a song that sets it off, a movie, a scene, someone telling about their loved one….you never know.

My point to sharing all that was at some point many do question God’s existence, their existence, and just life in general.  Maybe not all, but many come to a crossroads in their life and seek truth and from there decide what they believe.  If you’ve gone through tragedy, you’re either questioning it for the first time or it may come into question again.

I know I sure did.  I had to figure out answers for myself and so that’s what I did.  I became a truth seeker and wanted to understand God’s role in our lives, in this world and come to know Him better, have a deeper understanding and relationship with Him.

Funny thing is, I didn’t find it in church.    And yes I do believe in Jesus Christ.  Wholeheartedly. Which may bother some Christians and church-goers and for that I hope you have eyes to see and ears to hear. …I’ve come to know Him better than I ever have.  I’ve been baptized by the Holy Spirit and it’s the most amazing thing ever to feel His presence.  If you haven’t ever felt it, you are missing out my friend.  You don’t always feel it, but it’s definitely something I long for and when I do it lets me know that 1 – I am a child of God and 2 – I’m on the right path.  It’s like a physical affirmation and it’s awesome.

So yeah, I don’t go to church.  I don’t fit in the rules of the typical Christian.  I’ve got tattoos.  I cuss.  But you know what, I’ve probably got a stronger relationship with my God than 95% of the people going to church.  I don’t say that to be self-righteous or anything like that, but I say it to bring it to light.  Church is man’s religion, man’s rules.  I think the lines get skewed between the people running it, the people attending it, and what God really wants and desires for His people.  Many are just checking off a box that they went.  It’s a Sunday only thing, but all throughout the week they are far from God.  They only pray when they need something or times get tough or we want things to work out our way.

But friends, that’s not how it works.  He should be in our every day throughout the day.  We should be earnestly seeking Him at every turn and straight away in our lives.

Something I’ve learned about my God is He is funny!  He’s got a sense of humor and most of the time the path is not what you would think.  He answers prayers in different ways than we think.  I mean think about every bible story you’ve ever read.  I mean think about Jonah and the whale, Noah’s ark, the parting of the Red Sea, and the list goes on.  It was never the set path or what seemed logical.  Too many times we’re following what we think is supposed to happen, we are leaning on our own understanding instead of trusting and obeying and stepping out in faith.  God doesn’t fit in a box and He wants to make a way where there doesn’t seem that there is any possible way.

I know that’s for sure in my own life, He’s showed up time and time again.   It’s pretty amazing how that works out.

So enough of that…about my tattoos.  Majority of them have biblical meanings and I got the majority of them after I turned 40!  Really in the last 2 years and I’m 44 now.  The one shown in the pic means ‘God is greater than the highs and the lows.  There is hope.  Should oceans rise and mountains fall, He never fails.’  The wildflowers are from the scriptures in the new testament, in Matthew where it talks about the lilies of the field and the birds of the air.  God clothes them and provides for them and they never lack for anything, not food, not water, and they are beautiful.  Love that!  We’ve been through some rough times but have never lacked anything.

Another is 2 Corinthians 4:2.  It talks about speaking truth and letting go of secret and shame.  That’s pretty much been my theme since I rededicated my life to Christ 8 years ago or so.  I took off the old me and put on the new me. I’ve been set free, all my past failures, regrets, all that shame and unworthiness I felt…all gone.  They try and rear their head at times but I recognize them faster now and send them back to hell where they belong.  In Jesus name.  I am redeemed, I’ve been set free and that’s pretty dang amazing.  He filled that void that I couldn’t fill with anything or any one else and I am forever grateful.

I so want that for you and that’s why I share.  I hope you don’t confuse the goodness of my God with people in the Church or people who profess to be Christian, but their fruit shows otherwise or with man’s rules…but I hope you come to know Him like I have.  I’m not saying don’t go to church, but just know that people are human and learn to decipher what is and what is not.

One resource that helped me tremendously is Dani Johnson and her spiritual equipping messages.  You can find them at her website here.

Would love to hear your thoughts, questions?!  And I hope someone, somewhere found this helpful.  Much love and hugs to you. <3